Instinct
by Heath07
Summary: Kirsten. Ryan. Grief.


Title: Instinct

Rating: PG

Author: Heath07

Summary: Kirsten. Ryan. Grief. I don't know how else to summarize this. :(

Disclaimer: I don't own anything...

Feedback: Yes, please.

Notes: I did not plan on writing this, it just sort of happened.

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It was sunny the day they buried the baby.

Stillborn.

Ryan stared directly into the sun, his eyes tired and narrowed against the harsh light. It might have made things easier had it rained, but that was not the weather they were given.

Theresa was inconsolable and eventually Arturo ushered her away. She had endured hours of labour and when the baby came out blue and lifeless a little part of her died with it. Ryan took a step to follow but was waved away. He stood, his shoulders squared, his chest expanded and watched as his hope for the future was slowly lowered into the ground.

While the priest spoke, Sandy had put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and Marissa had slipped her fingers inside his open hand. He didn't respond to either, just carefully watched and waited.

Summer and Seth were both silently crying -though Seth tried to wipe away his tears with the occasional stolen glance at Ryan.

It was a girl. Somehow that made it worse. More tragic. They clothed her in a white velveteen gown and silk booties that were meant for her christening and Theresa's mother led them in prayer.

Ryan was being strong like usual. Kirsten had watched him; watched his stone face soften as they lowered the tiny casket and she knew a part of him was being buried too. His past remained in that grave after the dirt covered the coffin. His past was not that distant, not a long winding journey, but he had lived what amounted to centuries of pain. Ryan's eyes were too old, too weary for eighteen years on this earth.

When the service ended, everyone offered their condolences. The boys' Ryan and Theresa had grown up with talked about going out and getting drunk as they walked to their beat-up cars, shoulders slumped.

Sandy shook Ryan's hand and massaged his elbow and told him he was there if he needed to talk and that he'd see him soon. Ryan nodded but didn't speak.

Marissa smothered Ryan into an uncomfortable embrace until he pulled away and told her he'd call her later.

Seth stood, awkwardly, after Summer had given Ryan a short hug and left them alone. It took a moment's hesitation for Seth to get up the courage to hug Ryan, when he finally did it was crushing. Ryan looked so small swallowed in Seth's lanky arms, just like a little boy.

Kirsten's heart ached. She didn't say anything, instead, when it was her turn, she touched the side of his face and smoothed the hair out of his eyes. They looked at each other for an impossibly long minute before she held him close and kissed his cheek when she pulled away.

He spent a week in Chino getting things in order before he came back to them. When he showed up at the door he'd lost almost ten pounds and his skin was sallow except for under his eyes; there were dark circles there instead.

Ryan hadn't cried yet. Kirsten knew that instinctively. Just like she knew he blamed himself. It was beyond his control, but Ryan always took on unnecessary burdens from years of people forcing them on him.

No one made him talk about it and on the third day he started eating again. It was just half a piece of toast at breakfast but it was enough to give Kirsten hope that he would be okay.

When two days passed and he hadn't come out of the pool house, Kirsten got worried. She went to him and didn't bother to knock; didn't think she could leave him alone if he turned her away. Ryan was sitting in the centre of the unmade bed, knees drawn to his chest, head bent, hair hanging in his eyes. The few boxes he'd come back with were still unpacked and in his shaking hand he was holding what resembled a piece of paper.

Kirsten approached him slowly, fearful of startling him. He looked up when the mattress dipped beside him from her weight. She said his name and he handed her the paper without hesitation. When she looked at it she gasped and then tried to cover but there was no sense, Ryan knew how to read her.

They remained silent. Kirsten set the sonagram on the ground, neatly as not to crumple or fold the edges. Ryan watched her, she could feel it. When she straightened out, she put her arm around him and coaxed him against her side and began to rock, ever so slightly.

Kirsten rocked him until he finally cried, clinging to her and struggling to breathe and then held him while Seth and Sandy took shifts checking up on them.

When Ryan's eyes got heavy-lidded, she urged him to lay down and curved against him, hoping to provide an antidote for all the pain. She stroked his hair and rubbed circles on his back and sang to him very softly like she had done with Seth when he was a baby.

When she was sure he was asleep she began to cry.

Kirsten knew they weren't related, not in the flesh-and-blood kind of way, but she felt that motherly affection that she'd always had for Seth and it felt deeper wrapped up in him; deeper than she'd ever experienced before. She wondered if this was how it would have been if she had let someone know what she had done all those years ago. Would anyone have comforted her or would they have spat at her feet and looked away in disgust? She had been fine on her own, dealing with her own grief. At least, she thought she had been.

If Ryan knew would he have pulled away? Would he have hated her for aborting a beautiful baby while he mourned the loss of his daughter?

Somewhere behind the denial was the truth; the truth that Kirsten needed this too. She hadn't grieved. Not properly. They needed to heal together, even if she couldn't explain it, she just knew. Instinctively. Her own eyes drooped until she couldn't keep them open any longer and she too fell into slumber.

When the sun broke through the blinds the next morning Ryan was gone and so was the sonagram. Kirsten found herself wrapped in Ryan's blankets, feeling hot and still drowsy. She struggled to untwist her legs and stumbled her way out of the pool house.

When she walked into the main house all three of her boys were eating breakfast at the table. They looked up at her arrival. Sandy offered her a small smile, Seth sort of waved and Ryan wordlessly pulled out the chair beside him and poured the grain cereal no one else liked into her bowl.

There would still be pain in the weeks ahead, but things were going to get better. She would help Ryan through it the way she never had been helped. She would protect him fiercely like only a mother knew how.

Kirsten would keep in mind that she chose this life. This life that she now shared with her family; a family that she loved, that loved her. And though she could never bring back her baby she could choose to open her heart. She couldn't replace anyone but she could accept Ryan for who he was; could accept him as her own.

And when she felt guilty, she would remind herself that it was her choice and she chose love.

* * *

end.


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